Confession: I’m still grieving.

 

As I went to the gym this afternoon, I couldn’t help, but be reminded of the old quote “Every mile begins with a step.” I set reasonable goals as I approached the elliptical, as it’s been way too long since I’ve exercised. My first goal:go to the gym today, had already been accomplished. Now all I asked myself was to work out hard for 20 minutes, no quitting. I didn’t quit. This is a really big deal for me. The gravity of this accomplishment has nothing to do with weight loss or getting that summer body. No this was a big deal because I’ve wanted to quit numerous things lately. Whether it be filling out my Fafsa, making biscuits, or getting out of bed early in the morning; I’ve wanted to crumble. I’m exhausted. I lack motivation. But you see, I’m not a quitter. I don’t just give up. I’m happy, but simultaneously I am so dreadfully sad. The sadness seems to take over sometimes. And until, just a couple of days ago, I could not figure out why. I am not done grieving. I thought the grieving season was over, but I had simply forced the grieving season to be over. 

I do not write these things for pity. I’d rather not receive any sad  faces or tilted heads at my confession. This is simply my way of being honest with myself. Perhaps, someone else will experience freedom too because of my words. It’s been almost three years since I lost my father and the pain still feels fresh. However, I don’t have finishing college, a new job, or a wedding to distract me from my wounds. The community who surrounded me in the beginning has gotten much smaller. With all that said, I so badly wanted to conquer my grief in those beginnings that I didn’t allow myself to really grieve. But now I must. I must be honest that I’m exhausted and sad. I must admit my frustrations over menial tasks, probably have nothing to do with those tasks. Needless to say, just as I needed to set reasonable goals in approaching exercise, I need to set reasonable goals in my grieving and healing. 

I am so thankful for my life, my husband, my dear family, and my friends who have been so patient with me. God is healing me day by day, but He’s not done yet.