Coffee shop words

I sit here, on my lunch break at Starbucks, listening to college students chat over a cup of coffee. They talk about their future plans, where they will go and what they will do. Wistfully, they wonder what their childhood friends are up to. A silence hangs in the air. Part of me wants to turn to them and share what the next few years might really hold for them. But I won’t. I remember those “deep” talks. I won’t burst their bubbles. They need these times. If I did pass on a few words they would be: enjoy the now and be ready for a greater adventure than you imagined.

I feel like I used to . . .

I feel like I used to . . .

Be better at praying 

Have all the right answers

Be outgoing

Be courageous

Walk with less fear

Imagine my future

Know what to expect

But now I . . .

Can’t find the right words

Think deeply about each question

Relate with the shy

Pray for courage

Walk cautiously

See  just what’s in front of me

Don’t know what to expect

So I just come to Jesus and say “Here I am.”

 

It’s about to get real: Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also

Toms. Starbucks. New jeans. Green olives. Italian food. 

I love all of the above items. None of the things I listed are bad. All, in fact, have brought me great joy at some point in my life. But you see, my husband and I had our first “We’re leaving our jobs, our incomes, and our life of comfort” moment this last week. In looking at our expenses versus the money coming in, I began to cry because I wouldn’t be able to buy black Toms, and I shouldn’t stop at Starbucks in the morning. Given, hormones may have added to my emotional state, I found myself crying about things that don’t really matter at all. I know this all sounds silly. And you’re probably thinking “Really? You want to move to Scotland to help plant a church and you’re whining about not being able to buy black Toms?” Yes. That is my confession. 

Strangely, the next morning as I sat down to read my devotional, its focus was on memorizing this verse “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21) Do I really want my heart to be invested in shoes, coffee, clothes, green olives, and Italian food? No. Wake up call. Are Toms, Starbucks, jeans, and food bad? No. Does God care about these desires? Yes. But I need to gain perspective.  I want to my heart to be on the things of God, not on a pair of shoes that will reveal my big toe in a matter of months. 

Following Jesus. Loving my neighbors. Being faithful. Praying without ceasing. 

These are the things I want my heart to be set on. 

 

Choosing

Sure, my jeans are fitting a little snugger and the buttons on my shirt are straining, but I am choosing to look pass this today. No, I’m not going to just give up and load up on doughnuts and tater tots this afternoon. Although, a maple doughnut sounds delicious. I actually eat pretty healthy. I even moderately exercise. And yet some days my body feels larger than the previous day. I can choose to let my too-tight jeans define me or I can choose something better to define me. I am a daughter of the King. He loves me. In fact, He has much more in mind for me today than sulking about love handles that appeared over night. So here I sit, sipping my coffee and choosing joy for the day.

Year 3

I never had to look at the calendar today to know what day it was. My heart knew, even my joints knew. Memories quickly fill my mind. Every image vividly appears. It all feels so close. However, in other ways, the loss of my dad seems as if it took place in another life time. Life has changed drastically, but my heart continues to hurt and my vision clouds with tears.If I’m honest, the third anniversary of my dad passing away is harder than the second year. I’ve missed his presence at the events occurring in my life. It’s hard to fathom he missed my wedding. Life is moving forward, but I want him to be a part of it all.  I think, at times, I hold onto the grief because it is my last connection to my dad. If I let go of the hurt, then it feels like I’m accepting life without him. I don’t want to accept that; although, I know I must.

Today, I hit my head on a chair. It was as if the chair was trying to pull me into the present as my mind was engulfed in memories. Although, I don’t want to be stuck in the past, I feel it’s necessary to record some wonderful things I remember about my dad.

1. Snow covered the ground and I needed to get back to school. Dad followed behind me in his car to make sure I arrived safely to my dorm.

2. I got a flat tire on my way to student teaching. He drove out, after working all day, to help me change my tire. I can still see him struggling with a tight bolt, but he was determined to help me.

3. My dad always had the best chips on his plate at lunch. I would always sneak a few off his plate. I know he knew I did it, but it never seemed to bother him.

4. I remember standing on his feet, in the living room, and dancing with him. He always said he would practice up for my wedding. I hope he’s ready to dance with me when I join him in heaven.

5. He would come home for lunch each day. And each day he would fall asleep in his chair watching Perry Mason. I miss seeing him sitting in that chair.

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to feel sad. I would like to sit and have a diet coke with my dad.

What are you willing to give up?

“Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world; yet forfeit his soul? If  anyone is ashamed of m and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.’ ” –Mark 8:34-38

What does it really mean to pick up one’s cross and follow Jesus. Americans do not face crucifiction on crosses too often anymore. How, then, can this passage apply to us? Perhaps the cross represents sacrifice and the giving up of what is comfortable and easy. It may also refer to standing up for what is right, just, and representing Jesus to our community. We may lose friends. We may risk feeling awkward. We may miss out on a luxurious life. All in all, I think it means to sacrifice our wants, desires, and needs for the sake of others.

One such example of this, occurs in relationships. When we feel wronged or disappointed, we have an opportunity to forgive. Forgiveness is a moment where we can take up our cross and follow Jesus. Although it be painful, in the end we experience true life. We free the other person, but we really free ourselves from our selfish desires. Forgiveness forces us to put the needs of others above our own. We’ve all looked into the eyes of someone who pleaded for our forgiveness. They long for the life that forgiveness brings. In that moment, we can follow the way of Jesus and forgive wholeheartedly. Not only is forgiveness a means of taking up our crosses, but also stepping out of the comfortable.

My husband and I have this great desire to step out of the comfortable and to step out in faith. This may mean giving up close proximity to friends, family, and stepping away from our jobs. However, we do not want to get to the end of our lives and realize that we put the wants of this world ahead of our souls. We do not want to step into eternity with our Savior and realize the opportunities we missed out of fear.I am not a risk taker. I am afraid of many things. My heart is often anxious. I am realizing, though, I was not created to be filled with fear. No, I was meant to be courageous.  Our prayer is to follow Jesus wherever he may lead. Please pray with us.

And walk with Jesus.

Confession: I’m still grieving.

 

As I went to the gym this afternoon, I couldn’t help, but be reminded of the old quote “Every mile begins with a step.” I set reasonable goals as I approached the elliptical, as it’s been way too long since I’ve exercised. My first goal:go to the gym today, had already been accomplished. Now all I asked myself was to work out hard for 20 minutes, no quitting. I didn’t quit. This is a really big deal for me. The gravity of this accomplishment has nothing to do with weight loss or getting that summer body. No this was a big deal because I’ve wanted to quit numerous things lately. Whether it be filling out my Fafsa, making biscuits, or getting out of bed early in the morning; I’ve wanted to crumble. I’m exhausted. I lack motivation. But you see, I’m not a quitter. I don’t just give up. I’m happy, but simultaneously I am so dreadfully sad. The sadness seems to take over sometimes. And until, just a couple of days ago, I could not figure out why. I am not done grieving. I thought the grieving season was over, but I had simply forced the grieving season to be over. 

I do not write these things for pity. I’d rather not receive any sad  faces or tilted heads at my confession. This is simply my way of being honest with myself. Perhaps, someone else will experience freedom too because of my words. It’s been almost three years since I lost my father and the pain still feels fresh. However, I don’t have finishing college, a new job, or a wedding to distract me from my wounds. The community who surrounded me in the beginning has gotten much smaller. With all that said, I so badly wanted to conquer my grief in those beginnings that I didn’t allow myself to really grieve. But now I must. I must be honest that I’m exhausted and sad. I must admit my frustrations over menial tasks, probably have nothing to do with those tasks. Needless to say, just as I needed to set reasonable goals in approaching exercise, I need to set reasonable goals in my grieving and healing. 

I am so thankful for my life, my husband, my dear family, and my friends who have been so patient with me. God is healing me day by day, but He’s not done yet. 

 

Take a deep breath and smell the autumn leaves

Crunching beneath my feet, another leaf reminds me of the beautiful season at hand. As I drive the winding roads home, I neglect to really appreciate the mystery before me. I am not breathing deep. Tears cloud my vision. Every once in awhile I let out a frustrated scream. Being so focused on the stress of work, I have missed opportunities to savor this glorious season. Because I have been so focused on the hardships of teaching, I’ve missed its beauty as well. 

Sometimes it is necessary to stop, take a deep breath and smell the autumn leaves. I find myself using this weekend as a chance to refresh and refocus. In the process of refreshing there are some things I must let go of. My mom reminds me often that when I was little girl coming home from school, I would always share the negative first and then would embrace the good from the day. I still function this way. Here is my list of “let it go” and confessions:

1. Teaching is really hard when students come from broken homes. It’s really difficult when they don’t want to be there. It’s really challenging when they don’t pay attention. But it’s the hardest when students just don’t care.

2. Even though, it’s hard to teach, I know it’s my job to motivate my students to care. 

3. Sometimes I’m not motivated. I’m burnt out. I am emotionally spent. 

4. I cannot change anyone.

5. It bothers me that education has become some political. 

6. Sometimes my voice will not be heard.

7. I am concerned that students will feel like failures under this new system. 

8. I cannot make everyone happy.

9. I wish that I could.

10. I wish that students/parents saw the tears we’ve cried over them, knew how often they fill our prayers, and could comprehend the hopes we have for them.

Now that I’ve let go, I’ve learned some simple lessons this week.

1. An encouraging word goes a long way.

2. Choosing to be positive will influence how your day carries out.

3. Coffee still cures much of the world’s negativity.

4. One’s kindness should not be dictated by others’ actions.

5. Good neighbors remember your name.

6. The quiet is good.

8. Every once in awhile you do change a kid’s life. 

9. It’s important to let go of things that we cannot change. 

10. Remember to love with a divine kind of love.

And now I sit pondering these lessons, hoping that they sink in. I began this blog when my dad passed away. Over the years, I’ve found that writing is very much an outlet for me. It helps me process and allows me to really breathe. In the midst of stress it is important to breathe and appreciate the season that I am in. 

When the make-up is gone

Standing in front of the mirror, I pinch at the skin and pull it away from my stomach. I stand up a little taller. Slowly, I turn from side-to-side. Then I ask my husband, “Does my stomach look bigger to you?” He seems dumbfounded, “I’ve never really looked at your stomach. You’re beautiful.” At first, I don’t quite understand. How could he have not been examining my flaws, when I had just spent the last few minutes doing so? He loves me for me. It’s difficult to even comprehend that kind of love. Although, I love him unconditionally for being him, I struggle to understand his love for me.
I often forget where my value comes from. Sure, I could explain theologically, how Jesus loves us so much and he gives us our identities and our values. But do I live in a way that reflects that belief? Why do I obsess about my physique? Where did I get the idea that beauty or value is found in that? Why don’t I live out my husband’s often spoken words? “I fell in love with your heart.” Why do I desire to be thought of as “hot?” Where did my misconstrued thoughts come from? Let’s stop this cycle of self-deprecating thoughts.
Let us aim to understand our father’s love for us. Let us redefine beauty.
Marriage has revealed many insecurities in me. It is so strange. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and cares for me deeply. But my own thoughts are my enemy.
As you stand in front of the mirror and begin to look for your flaws, stop! The Lord God made you and loves you for you. Say a prayer for yourself and all the women out there who need the same prayer.

Jesus is a friend of mine

A few years ago, a friend of mine found a ridiculous youtube video that had been filmed in the 70s. While the song and the dancing with it was ridiculous, it carried a pretty profound message. Jesus is a friend of mine. This thought is so comforting to me. Friendship used to be so easy for me. It really was like falling off a log. It came natural. Somewhere along the way, though, it became very hard. My dad always used to say “To have friends, you’ve got to be friendly.” Perhaps, I haven’t been friendly or perhaps I’ve been self-focused. Either way, some days I feel alone. It catches me off guard. Where’d my friends go? But perhaps, they are thinking the same way. In the midst of feeling lonely, I often hope someone will reach out to me. Why can’t I see that someone else may be hoping for the exact same thing? What’s stopping me? Fear of rejection. Yes, as an adult, I still fear being rejected by my peers.

Loneliness creeps up on us unexpectedly. Our fiance is working, our friends are busy with their own lives, or those closest to us, simply move away. The comfort I find today, on this August morning, is that Jesus is my friend and He will never leave me. He seeks me out. Today I pray that peace takes over the all too familiar feeling of loneliness.